tears in the night

Posted on October 13, 2006


tears in the night

What is this phenomenon that surprises me in the night?

I’m sound asleep, going about the business of life . . . waking, working, caring, crashing into a sound sleep. It works for me. It is a generational pattern that works. It carries its own momentum. It keeps me going. I need these patterns to keep me going. Too many depend on me for me not to use this learned pattern to survive.

Without this pattern, I begin “pacing the cage”* and wondering how long earth will keep me trapped in these patterns of thoughtless behavior. Where is my release? Where is my freedom? Where is eternity? . . . outside these earth-bars.

Without this pattern of behavior, I find myself screeming “stop this rollercoaster, I gotta get off . . . at least for a little while”.

Life can really be quite great, when you really don’t think about it. When you don’t think about the war, the slaughter of the innocent that are never reported on (last count 650,000), the needless suffering, children starving to death daily (thousands of them), those two beautiful, innocent girls I see every week . . . refugees, rescued from sex slavery in China. The hundreds of neighbors and members of my community trapped in generational poverty with no hope….no options…..except crack. And then there’s living with those close to you that are living with the abuse of the past and mental illness of the present. Life can really be quite great, when you really don’t think about it…

Life can really be quite great, when you really do think about it . . . my family, my amazing children, my lovely wife, my cool job, friends…

Hmmm. Which list is longer? Is it just me? Why are the images of life that spin through my mind at night dominated by the things I don’t think about during the day??? Things my “generational pattern” block out so I can function.

My subconscious just will not let me forget!

It is a blessing and curse…….I really don’t want to forget…..the pain within and the pain of others.

Again…………4AM……………excruciating heart pain…………… heart breaking………… heart bleeding……….I awaken, “staring at the ceiling as my ears fill with tears.”*

*these conceptual thoughts inspired by Bruce Cockburn